It began with panic. A bitter despair.
There was no white light. Or epic send off.
I Remember feeling lost. Like it was happening to someone else.
I was cold .I remember that. And alone. Well afterwards.
I Remember escaping my body. I say escaping because I fought. I fought hard.
Because I didn’t want my sister to be alone.I didn’t want my Mother to be alone.I didn’t want to die.
I can feel them missing me.
I hope they know I
miss them too.
That is what keeps me here. Attached to earth and away from god.
They can’t live without me and I can’t go on without them.
And so I walk around a detached soul. Grey and bruised like the day I died.
I watch over them.Protect them.Especially my sister.
I see her becoming just like me.
Acting out because i’m not there.
Want to know something.I remember everything.
You know how they make it seem like you don’t. Like if it’s traumatic enough you won’t remember.
I do though.
It was a Saturday. I remember that. I was walking home.
Not from the library or a school dance or anything.
I wish I could say I was a good girl.
I never got into any trouble.
Never stayed out too late.
But I wasn’t. I partied. I snuck out. I drank.
But did I deserve what happened to me ?
It was a Saturday. I remember walking.
It was late. I know that much.
It smelled like late night and early morning.
I was only walking.
I didn’t notice he was following me.
We were just dancing and laughing together moments before.
He was my friend. He knew how to make me laugh. He knew how to have fun.
I’m not sure what changed that night. I didn’t see the signs.The flirting and touching.I thought it was all fun and games.
He was my friend. I should’ve known,should’ve took it as a warning.
That night he was acting different. He was drunk. He kissed me. I kissed him back. I thought it was a joke. I pushed him away from me and laughed. He laughed,we kept drinking,we kept partying.
He was my friend. I didn’t like him like that.
he thought he could convince me.
I was almost home. When he called after me.
When he confessed to me. He told me he loved me.
And I laughed in his face. I told him I would never feel the same.
And because I was drunk. I said cruel things.
He didn’t like that. He got angry.
He grabbed me . And I just laughed ,because I was drunk .
I didn’t know. We were being stupid. We were arguing.
I kept going. Saying more hurtful things.
He broke. He pushed me so hard.
I hit my head on the concrete.
I was still breathing. I would’ve been ok.
Then he started kicking me.
He was so angry. And no matter how much I begged him to stop or how much I panicked he kept going.
Until I blacked out.
That’s when he realized.
After I was gone.
That’s when he realized what he had done.
He just ran, like a coward. He just ran.
That morning they found me.
I watched them carry me away.
My mom stood behind the yellow caution tape.
I didn’t get to go to the hospital.
I didn’t get a chance to be saved.
I was taken straight to a morgue.
My cause of death ? A Subdural Hemotoma.
Do you know what that it is ? Neither do I.
But that’s what killed me. That’s what he did to me.
And because of him I am stuck. Because of him my mother lost a daughter.
Because of him I’m all alone.
I can’t live my life.
Yes he was caught.
Yes he’s locked away.
But he’s still a live.
And I can’t have that.